I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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