he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
