last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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