If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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