Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
