He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
