woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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