it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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