i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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