You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Randomize
