Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
