I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
