Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You pole danced in your parka.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
