I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
