Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
