your parents love me but you hate me
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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