so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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