Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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