I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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