Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
