and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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