so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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