No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
