if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
