Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
