3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
