there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
