Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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