did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
