uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
