Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
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I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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