i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
