my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
