just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
