Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
