Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
