im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
