it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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