I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
