Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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