Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
