Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
