his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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