Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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