she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
