My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
