You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize