Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
