At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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