I am spending my child support on dildos
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
