we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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