My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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