you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
