In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
