Someone shit on the floor
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
