i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
