Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am mentally ready for anal.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
