broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
