You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
