i permit you to call me
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
