By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
