Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
